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| I'm not better yet.
I don't have time to be this emotional. Dammit. | | |
| I started talking with a guy friend I hadn't seen in a while. It was really nice talking to him.
I avoided him yesterday because of how deep things were getting emotionally.
Dammit. I'm such a weakling.
See, this. This is what happens when I'm emotionally conflicted.
I get hit on more. I start making emotional connections that could go down a dangerous path.
Do guys have some sort of radar that tells them a female is in relationship turmoil? Or, at least the guys that aren't in the stormy relationship... Because if the guy in the relationship were able to detect when his girlfriend was upset, these sort of conflicts would be resolved quicker.
It's just nice to feel wanted. It's nice to feel like my dressing up wasn't wasted. It's nice to feel attractive... witty... smart.
*sigh* | | |
| Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
I thought I had stopped crying. I had a night of laughter, drinks, and relatively clean fun. As soon as my friend left I started feeling weepy and scared. I'm not sobbing anymore like yesterday or the other day.
I'm just so scared. I am. I don't know what he's thinking. I mean, I can't expect to know that, but I don't know anything about what he's feeling because he never tells me. I don't know if he's happy I didn't drive down or sad I didn't drive down. Maybe it sounds like we broke up in that message. I don't know! All he said was "I understand." That tells me nothing!
I didn't break up with him. I didn't. I just told him I wouldn't try to drive down to Nac anymore. That if he wanted to see me, he'd have to drive to Dallas of WF. I even threw in another chance for him to change my mind: saying I'd still drive down to Nac if he asked me to. If he wanted me to.
I want to feel wanted dammit. Is that too much to ask? That was why I went out last night. Guys paid attention to me. They made me feel attractive. They wanted me. Maybe not in a long term relationship, but at that moment I was wanted. It made me feel good.
I just want him to make me feel wanted. Not just that temporary wanted that ends with the cigarette gets put out, but the kind of wanting that lasts. Where you want to keep on being with them being they make you truly happy.
I can't go any further then this
I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day yes, i'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl, what's up, it use to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day, yes i'm really missin missin you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up
Meet me halfway, right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
Girl, i travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe i go to other galexies
Just tell me where you want, just tell me where you wanna to meet
I navigate myself myself to take me where you be
Cause girl i want, i, i, i want you right now
I travel uptown (town) i travel downtown
I wanna to have you around (round) like every single day
I love you alway... way
Can you meet me half way (i'll meet you halfway)
Right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
Let's walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and i (just you and i)
I will fly, i'll fly the skies, for you and i (for you and i)
I will try, until i die, for you and i, for you and i, for for you and i,
For for you and i, for for you and i, for you and i
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Can you meet me half way (yup yup)
Meet me half way, right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish | | |
| Last night, I bought 1 drink. A table of guys bought the next 5. I think they were trying to get me drunk. lol Unfortunately for them, the drinks were really weak and my friends co-worker was there to help us make our escape.
Being the 'tards we are, when we got back to my apartment, we baked phallic shaped cookies. | | |
| She never got this emotional unless "he" was involved. Generally, she was cheerful, optimistic, prone to the odd days of "blah-ishness" that were usually brought about by lack of sleep.
Tonight was one of the nights where "he" was involved. Instead of getting upset and then letting it blow over - like she usually did - she took a stance and held on to it. It was a matter of pride. She felt that she had to make this clear. If she didn't do this now, she'd keep letting herself get swept away.
For the first time, she opted out of seeing him, even though she knew that seeing him would make her feel better regardless of how upset she was. That was her problem usually. She'd get upset at him, but would forget about it the moment she saw him. Okay, maybe not get over it. She'd ignore it. "It's in the past," she'd think. "What matters is how I'm feeling now."
Well, right now, she felt miserable. Her eyes were puffy, her nose was red, and she'd run out of tissue paper so she was forced to resort to using toilet paper to cry on. "I want to see him," she thought. "I still want to see him."
As she expected, her resolve wavered. She knew she had a valid reason at being upset. She wasn't being unreasonable. She had cleared her schedule for this. She had planned. "He" hadn't. The only way she knew to keep her will strong was to be with other people. Not for them to validate or echo their empty words of support, but so that she couldn't leave, couldn't crumble without exposing her weak will.
If there was one thing she hated, besides plans getting ruined, it was looking weak in front of other people.
She was a strong person. She is a strong person.
Maybe, anyways.
Sleep usually allows for the strong emotions to fade. Maybe if she slept now, when she woke up, she wouldn't feel as weak.
Maybe. | | |
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